It has been over a year since I last blogged.
My beloved mother lost her battle to Cancer on August 13th 2013 and between watching her fade away in hospice and after that in repeated nightmares as I sleep, like a helium balloon drifting into the sky and the reality of her no longer walking the Earth with me, I have felt lost. One would think having lost my father 5 years before her, that perhaps I would handle my mother's loss better, but alas the relationship I had with my mother was such that, to lose her was to lose myself.
Like a little child after her passing I spent much time searching for her, for signs that she was still out there somewhere within my reach. People say time heals in a situation like this, I disagree. The pain, longing and missing associated with my mom's death remains the same as that moment she took her last breath. Time does not heal, time simply allows one to find a way or ways to deal with the finality of death better. Not every attempt at finding a way works either, it is through repeated trail and error that one eventually finds a coping mechanism that works. I am still looking. Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently.
Sadly, a painful lesson I learnt during my mother's illness of which I blogged in my blog entitled "Deserted Island" reared it's ugly head again in both the moments that led up to her passing and the aftermath of it. The lesson: MOST PEOPLE ARE FICKLE!!! MOST PEOPLE ARE SELF CENTERED, SELFISH and SELF MOTIVATED!!!
Lesson Learned AGAIN...
Many of her so called "friends" were no where to be found as she deteriorated nor were they there at her cremation and in keeping to the theme of this lesson many remain elusive after her death, despite her plight that these so called "friends" keep in touch with my brother and I who are now orphans. I often imagine her shaking her head in disbelief at there lack of effort but then I hear her saying what she so often did about such individuals, "Let it go, let them go, don't try to understand them...they must live with themselves" and so I do, I have. There a few good apples amongst the bad and for those, I am thankful!
One might say I am biased, but anyone who genuinely knew my mother can attest to her selfless, kind, compassionate and loving character. When I was younger I perceived these characteristics in her as weakness because so many people took sheer advantage of her, mistaking as I did then her kindness for weakness but as I got older I realised her ability to posses characteristics like that in a world where so few do was nothing short of phenomenal.
As a mother to be now myself, I hope to be able to find a way to continue to live my life in my mother's image, I truly could not have had a better teacher or example to live by and despite her lack of physical presence here, my daughter who will be named after her will know her too, through both her father's and my love for my mother.
To all the children out there, cherish your parents(the good ones). They are with us indefinitely. Ensure you benefit from the wealth of their wisdom and advice NOW. Return their calls, do not put off spending time with them for frivolous nonsense. Do not take them for granted. The reality is once they are gone like mine are, there's nothing you can do but live off memories, old voice mails, pictures and stories about them from others and believe me, often that is just NOT ENOUGH!!!
"Love your parents and treat them with love and care. For you will only know their value when you see their empty chair". Unknown
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91Fym1x2k3A
I dedicate this blog to my mother's dear friend Shoshanna Conway, who was always there for us both prior to my mother's passing and continues to be there for me now, no matter what...thank you. I love you.
Love and Light,
Thank you for stopping by,
AfricasHeiress
