Life After Death!

It has been over a year since I last blogged. 

My beloved mother lost her battle to Cancer on August 13th 2013 and between watching her fade away in hospice and after that in repeated nightmares as I sleep, like a helium balloon drifting into the sky and the reality of her no longer walking the Earth with me, I have felt lost. One would think having lost my father 5 years before her, that perhaps I would handle my mother's loss better, but alas the relationship I had with my mother was such that, to lose her was to lose myself. 

Like a little child after her passing I spent much time searching for her, for signs that she was still out there somewhere within my reach. People say time heals in a situation like this, I disagree. The pain, longing and missing associated with my mom's death remains the same as that moment she took her last breath. Time does not heal, time simply allows one to find a way or ways to deal with the finality of death better. Not every attempt at finding a way works either, it is through repeated trail and error that one eventually finds a coping mechanism that works. I am still looking. Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently. 

Sadly, a painful lesson I learnt during my mother's illness of which I blogged in my blog entitled "Deserted Island" reared it's ugly head again in both the moments that led up to her passing and the aftermath of it. The lesson: MOST PEOPLE ARE FICKLE!!! MOST PEOPLE ARE SELF CENTERED, SELFISH and SELF MOTIVATED!!! 

Lesson Learned AGAIN...

Many of her so called "friends" were no where to be found as she deteriorated nor were they there at her cremation and in keeping to the theme of this lesson many remain elusive after her death, despite her plight that these so called "friends" keep in touch with my brother and I who are now orphans. I often imagine her shaking her head in disbelief at there lack of effort but then I hear her saying what she so often did about such individuals, "Let it go, let them go, don't try to understand them...they must live with themselves" and so I do, I have. There a few good apples amongst the bad and for those, I am thankful!

One might say I am biased, but anyone who genuinely knew my mother can attest to her selfless, kind, compassionate and loving character. When I was younger I perceived these characteristics in her as weakness because so many people took sheer advantage of her, mistaking as I did then her kindness for weakness but as I got older I realised her ability to posses characteristics like that in a world where so few do was nothing short of phenomenal.

As a mother to be now myself, I hope to be able to find a way to continue to live my life in my mother's image, I truly could not have had a better teacher or example to live by and despite her lack of physical presence here, my daughter who will be named after her will know her too, through both her father's and my love for my mother.

To all the children out there, cherish your parents(the good ones). They are with us indefinitely. Ensure you benefit from the wealth of their wisdom and advice NOW. Return their calls, do not put off spending time with them for frivolous nonsense. Do not take them for granted. The reality is once they are gone like mine are, there's nothing you can do but live off memories, old voice mails, pictures and stories about them from others and believe me, often that is just NOT ENOUGH!!! 

"Love your parents and treat them with love and care. For you will only know their value when you see their empty chair". Unknown 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91Fym1x2k3A 

I dedicate this blog to my mother's dear friend Shoshanna Conway, who was always there for us both prior to my mother's passing and continues to be there for me now, no matter what...thank you. I love you.

Love and Light,

Thank you for stopping by,




AfricasHeiress

Home Time! Ndananga kumba! Karibu nyumbani!

There seems to be a trend recently with regards to 20something to 30something year old Africans in the Diaspora heading home, back to the Motherland - Africa!

I have only been away from home, Mama Africa for 3 years and often, it feels like an eternity!  So I can only imagine what it must feel like for those who have been here for a decade or more and my heart especially goes out to those who have not only been back home but CANNOT go home!  If you are African, there is NO NEED for me to elaborate as to what that reason could be, there are unspoken issues most of us know all too well.  Like the HIV/AIDS pandemic in Africa, even if you have not been affected personally and I mean that literally, you KNOW someone who has.

It seems that one can only go for so long by satisfying the craving for Africa with music from Africa, played by African DJ's at African parties where African food is served and African languages are spoken by and amongst a group of one's African peers.  Whilst it can feel surreal, like a dream as you live in the midst of it, no matter how many such parties, functions, outings, do's, gatherings, bashes, weddings, baby showers, fundraisers you go to, they END!  And like an addicted drug user or alcoholic, the high fades away, reality hits you hard and guess what, the craving for her is back - AFRICA!  And like a cycle, you rush in search of ways to stifle the craving again and again and again....

I will not pretend to be naive and ignore the fact that many Africans in the Diaspora have not only adapted to a life in whichever part of the Diaspora they may be, but have adopted that life as their own and feel that they are better off as such.  What works for one, does not necessarily work for all.  And as much as I love Africa, I am also fully aware that there are certain African countries where living conditions are unbearable.  I understand.  To my fellow Africans who have chosen this path, as long as you are safer and healthier first off, then happiness will follow and I wish you well.

To those whose desire to leave nags, gnaws and tugs at their hearts as constant as the air they breathe.  Now what?  A decision has to be made and for those afflicted by the unspoken issues I mentioned earlier leaving could result in never returning.  For you, the decision weighs more heavily than for the others who can go back and forth as they please.  Now what?

I believe that it is the responsibility of each and every one of us Africans to assist less fortunate Africans in order for Africa to reach it's full potential as a continent.  When I say less fortunate Africans I don't mean the average Western media portrayal of our malnourished, swollen bellied, weak and suffering.  I am referring to our fellow countrymen less fortunate in terms of a lack of employment, lack of understanding about how things work, lack of information about how to do one thing or another, lack of ideas about how to go about this or that...basically, as an individual there are certain qualities that you posses almost to perfection, you may be the go to girl or guy for one thing or another - but - you are not perfect, so you don't know it all!  Use your skill, opportunity, fortune, mojo or whatever you would like to call your "good" to elevate your peers.

So, to answer the question I posed earlier, "Now what?" Well, now you decide and if your decision is to leave and return home to Africa, I hope that you find the support that makes that transition the rebirth of a beautiful life for you.

This is how that transition would work in my mind, I decide I am returning home indefinitely, he puts me in touch with various companies back home at which I can possibly find employment, they help me pack, she helps me find an African company that I can use to ship my belongings back home at a reasonable price, he suggests that airline and informs me that the prices are lower using this connection on these days, she provides me with the contact information of people in Real Estate who can help me find a good deal on accommodation, he tells me the best way to get a reliable, affordable car and tells me which cellphone providers are better and why and they make suggestions about how I can invest the money I earned in the land far far away and remind me what to be weary of.  All those he's and she's and they's by contributing their good elevate me from less fortunate to fortunate and empowered with information, I leave and I am then in a position to help them and others when or if they ever want to come home, as they did me and on and on it goes. UNITY!!!

The truth is, whilst the masses of Africans out of Africa, myself included indeed contribute to a significant 'Brain Drain' with every return we create a collective 'Brain Gain' that I dream will ultimately be the key to us helping ourselves and helping each other fuels the process.

Myriam Makeba put it best in her song West Wind  (click on the link to listen to it). "Unify us, don't divide us".

From the bottom of my heart, I wish all my fellow Africans; health, wealth and prosperity.

Call me a dreamer.  LESSON LEARNED.

Love and Light,



AfricasHeiress.

Tis the season for GIVING!

I haven't blogged for awhile, excuse my absence (for those of you that noticed that is). Nonetheless, my relationship with my laptop has been restored, so here we go:

Christmas. For as long as I can remember it has been a time I have associated with material things; gifts and food mostly.  A time in which to manipulate one's family and friends into giving you what YOU want, a time to be selfish, sort of like a second birthday.  It worked SO much better when I was younger, of course the cute Christmas outfits, hair adorned with ribbons, big round eyes accompanied with batting eyelids and oh so innocent smile pretty much sealed the deal back then.  That time has passed.

Moving to the present, pun intended...as an adult Christmas has become a useful time in which to reflect and take a step back from the self and be aware of the others.  I am by no means saying that we should not accept presents or enjoy glorious meals, but I am saying that not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to do so and that for those of us who can do so, let's really take it all in.  It's so easy to get sucked into the excitement of ripping wrapping paper off to hastily get to the goal, the object of our desire at the time or stuffing our faces with that dish mom ONLY prepares for Christmas dinner and whilst it's fun...slow it down...appreciate not just the object but everything it took to even get to set moment.

Think about it!  In order to be enjoying Christmas today, you had to have survived another 12 months since last year, be thankful for life.  You had to have had the resources to get to where you are spending Christmas and to have others to share Christmas with, be thankful for the resources and the ability to make this happen and for the family and friends you are able to share Christmas with today.  The material things that we have come to associate Christmas with are really just the cherry on top, the garnish.  It's important to remember the meal on which that garnish sits - LIFE and the experiences and moments that are the ingredients to it and us making it thus far.

Not everyone has the luxury of turning Christmas into a feast.  To some it's just Sunday or Monday or whatever day December 25th falls on that year.  No gifts, no festive meals, in some cases no meal at all. 

So as you enjoy your Christmas this year and I truly hope that you do, just take a moment to reflect on the less fortunate. 

Strange as it may seem, often those we consider less fortunate for having less than we do, look upon us as less fortunate for having so much and in our lack of gratitude or sheer need for it, having so little.

Lessons Learned.  Often, less is more.  

Merry Christmas.

Love and Light...

Thanks for stopping by

AfricasHeiress

I dedicate this blog to my best-friend, Thomas whose presence (again with the pun, unintentionally this time) in my life is a FANTASTIC Christmas gift!

P for Parent.

I am not a parent yet, but I believe that parenting is by far the greatest responsibility of one's life. 

In order to put this responsibility into perspective, visualise an infant in your care, completely dependant on you for food, clothing, shelter, hygiene , entertainment, comfort and the intuition to decipher his or her cries and match those cries accordingly and promptly to his or her needs, as those cries could indicate distress or illness requiring immediate action.

And not just that but to make the best decisions when it comes to choosing what food to give the infant, at what time, in what quantity, at what age, breast milk or powdered milk, if powdered, what brand and why, what ingredients are in there?  Are there colourants, preservatives, additives, sugars, is the container made in China, BPA free, stainless steel or another potentially toxic material?  And then on clothing, is it organic cotton, is it soft enough, will it scratch, are the dyes going to harm the infants sensitive skin, is this item of clothing too hot or not warm enough, to tight or too loose, does it look okay, is it too much?  Is this crib sturdy enough, is he or she comfortable, is the light in his or her room too bright or is it too dark, is the air conditioning set too high or too low?  Is it time for a diaper change?  Should I bathe him or her now or later?  Is one bath a day enough?   What soap should I use?  Is this wash cloth soft enough? Is the water too hot or too cold, is that too much water?  

Just the visualisation in itself is enough to intimidate those of us who don't have children yet and certainly enough to have us scrambling about to ensure we have enough condoms in our wallets and purses and to replay those annoying birth control commercials fairly vivdly now in our childless heads.

And the responsibility doesn't stop there.  In 1930, John B. Watson stated in reference to Behaviorism in the study of Psychology that:

"Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select--doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief, and, yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors. I am going beyond my facts and I admit it, but so have the advocates of the contrary and they have been doing it for many thousands of years."

I remember reading this statement as part of one my second year university courses in Child Psychology and thinking HOW SCARY and yet how true. 

In rearing their offspring, parents mould their children into who they will potentially be in the future.  What a great responsibilty and if done with love, how empowering.  There are certain characteristics that some parents instil in their children that are present throughout childhood and show clearly in adulthood, for example: good manners, chivalry, courteousness, respect, confidence and etiquette amongst others.  Those adults who were never taught these characteristics as children, may choose to learn them so as to fit into society better, but even then learning such later in life, after childhood is often noticeable coming across as unatural. It's not that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so much as it is that an old dog just has more difficulty mastering new tricks. 

A child is like a clean canvas on which parents can choose what they paint, whereas an adult is like an already existing painting on a canvas on which one would have to figure out where to add paint to make it still work, without messing it all up.  So, that being said, it is SO important to get this parenting thing right the first time around. 

Some think that good parenting requires the M word...MONEY.  Whilst there are perks that come with financially able parents in terms of education in which perhaps children are taught more languages or sciences at earlier ages and thus have an advantage over their peers whose educational facilities offer more basic tools.  And of course there is the benefit of the luxury that these children may enjoy in terms of transportation, clothing, the quality of food, toys, technology and exposure to travelling and extra curicular activities, however without love, attention and nurturing from their parents even amongst these spoils the children of financially able parents can still not turn out well.  So, at the end of the day what really matters the most with regards to parenting is the parents desire and effort to mould their offspring into the best adults they can be in the future and that requires constant involvement in one's child's or children's lives.

There are so many sayings that describe how closely children mimic their parents, consciously and sub consciously: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, like father like son, like mother like daughter, a chip off the old block, she's turning into her mother, monkey see monkey do and yet inspite of that many parents still continue certain bad behaviours in the presence of their small children thinking they can always fix it later.  WRONG!  The impact that alcoholism, promiscuity, domestic or other violence, cruelty, emotional and mental abuse, divorce, multiple relationships, rude, disrespectful, demoralising, derogatory, lazy, unambitious, disorganised, generally dysfunctional behaviour has on children WILL affect them to some extent in the future.

So, to all the parents out there, make the effort to raise your little ones perfectly from the start, after all you chose for them to be here today and not the other way around, that way if you mess up here and there on an attempt at being perfect then at least you'll still be right.

In the movie The Help, one of the maids always told each child she raised the same simple thing, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important".  Although not grammatically correct the IMPACT those simple words had to empower each of those children is PROFOUND.

If you don't already have children, IMAGINE what YOU will tell your children through out their lives to empower them into wonderful adults and if you do already have children, what do you tell them now?

Bob Marley sang, "Every little action, yields a reaction".  LESSONS LEARNED.

As a parent, what reaction will your actions yield in your children in the future?

I dedicate this blog to my baby brother who is an expectant father.  I KNOW he will be a wonderful parent, because of how our mother raised us.

Thank you for stopping by,



AfricasHeiress.

Imperfect Beings.

For as long as I can remember, I have been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.  My brother described me very accurately one day saying, "You are contagious. When you are happy you make the whole world happy, but when you are sad you make the whole world sad".  


Whilst my extroverted nature does neither one literally, what he meant was that when I feel, I feel deeply with my entire being, often to a fault because I lose myself to the recipient of my emotions.  Something I have made a point to no longer do!  


In the past I have hated myself for loving so intensely and have struggled against my innate desire to live a life of service because I have felt that it makes me weak and certainly vulnerable but recently I have come to realise that complete acceptance of myself is winning half of the battle and that whilst some of the people who I have given my genuine, sincere, deep felt love, support, time, effort, concern, money, comfort, amongst other bits of myself to, (almost always putting those individuals before myself) have been undeserving of it, my ability to still have done it makes me proud of myself, thankful that I was raised right, grateful that I am able to still be selfless after the hardships I have been through and continue to go through, hopeful that I will make a wonderful lifetime partner and parent one day and that all those people I have loved intensely in the past and in the future will benefit from knowing unconditional love.


The truth is people tend to be selfish creatures, who will do whatever it takes for their own self gratification and in so doing ignore the harm or hurt, whatever magnitude they cause on the way.  To the extent that it has become so easy not to put in the work to show love or just concern for others, which can be as simple as a text message, call, email, invitation to share a meal etc in preference of doing something related to onself: me, I.


In spite of this so many of us will choose to keep the company of superficial, shallow, selfish people for all the wrong reasons, money, appearances, fame, fortune, all the stuff that ultimately won't matter in the end.  How many times have those same people let you down? Blatantly used you?  Or put more casually, thrown you under the bus.  It's not just in movies where the bad guy turns on his crew in order to gain more.  Open your eyes and watch it happening everyday, all around you.  And yet even with eyes wide open like saucers, knowing full well who is a true friend from their actions, so many of us still turn our backs on the real good guys in our lives for the bad.  It's a shame!


I for one have every intention of choosing my relationships with other humans much more wisely and I would recommend you do the same, because life really is too short to waste on non reciprocal relationships.  LESSONS LEARNED.


"Life isn't about who's coming to the party but who will be there to help you pick up the pieces when all the guests are gone" - K. Steffans


Who are the guests at the party that is your life and who are the people helping you pick up the pieces and most importantly who do you place more value on and what does that say about you?


Love and light.


Thank you for stopping by,






AfricasHeiress.

Deserted Island.

It's like a nightmare!  I've been here before many times and probably will be many more, "...hopefully not..." whispers my optimistic side, in a comforting, yet barely audible voice, she's tired.  It's one of those days.  The really difficult ones, where no one calls, texts or emails.  It's as if time has stopped on this deserted island and whilst my mother and I sit in the dark, life carries on as usual for everyone else.  

My mother's in excruciating pain.  The pain medication just doesn't work like it used to anymore, so my ears are filled with her desperate moans, groans, cries and pleas to help her.  Relieve her from this torture called Cancer.  Stop it!  Hell, even PAUSE it just for a little while.  Do something, anything. What?  What can I do?  I have been confronted with that very question countless times and yet every time it reappears in the exact same fashion, I am as bewildered as if it were the very first time.

I've got to keep it together: pack a bag, make sure everything's in it, ALL her medication (that alone may need it's own bag), turn everything off in the apartment, pack the cellphones and chargers, money and identification, health insurance card, CANNOT forget that...all the while talking softly to her, comforting her, "...everything will be okay mom, I'm here.  We're going to the hospital, they can help us there..."  Only because I have repeated those words like a mantra am I able to say them so calmly. because my mind and my heart are racing as if in opposite directions of the highway, at full speed and headed to collide.  

Arms full, as if bearing gifts, I KNOW what that sound means and drop it all, making a dash at full speed for the bucket.  Just in time, poor mom's body is erupting like a volcano now, the term, puking one's guts does her no justice.  One hand on the bucket, one rubbing her back, still she is begging me for relief and in my native language, it just sounds worse, piercing my heart deeper than any spear, deeper than anything.  On and on it goes.  How can her tiny body release so much?  Eventually it stops.  Again, I dash off to scoop up everything I had dropped.  Like a triathlon I throw it all in the car, start it, rush back and help mom up and into the car.  I should have my eyes on the road, but for the most part they are fixated on the image in the rear view mirror of her lying on the back seat, "...is she breathing?"  I only feel slight relief when I see her chest move up and down ever so slightly.  My heart stops at the thought, what would I do if she wasn't?  Focus now, focus.

To the hospital...but THAT is a whole other blog on it's own.

This experience really happened to me today and has happened to me many times before this.
There are those who have been there for my mother and I, but they are few and far between.  It seems in those desperate moments when things go astray one is suddenly involuntarily exiled to a deserted island.  As if ignoring the problem makes it go away.  

It is difficult to be the caregiver to my mom with Cancer, but I would not trade it for the world.  I am humbled by the experience and continue to learn from it and her each time.  Often, I don't think I can do it anymore, but I do and as long as it is necessary, I will.  That doesn't change the fact that it is extremely difficult and lonely, I long to be out there in the world living my life, hanging out and having fun.  Priorities: LESSONS LEARNED.  I hope none of my peers have to go through this in their lives, but if any of you ever do, having been there I will gladly help you.  It is so much easier with support, I unfortunately just haven't had much.

"...maybe that will change..." the optimist whispers again.

I'm exhausted.

I dedicate this blog to my mother whom I love everyday of my life and for all of hers. 


"Friends are as companions on a journey, who ought to aid each other to persevere in the road to a happier life".
Pythagoras


Thanks for stopping by,






AfricasHeiress.

Birthdays.

I have a birthday coming up.  Like most people I had set goals that I would have liked to achieve by now, but not all of those goals came to pass.  Truth be told, I still have quite a long way to go.  There is an added pressure that comes with being the first born, that only first borns can understand, but I digress...the point is as each birthday sneaks up on me the pressure increases to achieve those goals I had set, as if with each year time is running out.  Birthdays used to be all fun and games, parties and gifts, later some alcoholic debauchery but now it's as if each birthday is chasing me with a knife like some awful horror movie....aaargh!

I suppose time is of essence, the days of my heart's desire being a Barbie, My Little Pony or BMX are long gone.  Now I catch myself drooling over beautiful, multiple bed roomed, double storey houses and Range Rover Sports, Mercedes Benz with AMG kits, Q7s and Porsche Cayennes.  Oh how one's wants change.  Can YOU feel the pressure just reading my wish list???

So, reality check...is it reasonable to continue to put the kind of pressure on myself that has my heart racing more often than not to succeed or should I just settle for what I can get and at least be able to breathe normally?

I don't know about you, but the easy way out has absolutely NOT been the story of my life thus far and birthday or not will not be this year.


Calvin Coolidge wrote, "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated failures.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent".


LESSONS LEARNED.


Thanks for stopping by,




AfricasHeiress.