Imperfect Beings.

For as long as I can remember, I have been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.  My brother described me very accurately one day saying, "You are contagious. When you are happy you make the whole world happy, but when you are sad you make the whole world sad".  


Whilst my extroverted nature does neither one literally, what he meant was that when I feel, I feel deeply with my entire being, often to a fault because I lose myself to the recipient of my emotions.  Something I have made a point to no longer do!  


In the past I have hated myself for loving so intensely and have struggled against my innate desire to live a life of service because I have felt that it makes me weak and certainly vulnerable but recently I have come to realise that complete acceptance of myself is winning half of the battle and that whilst some of the people who I have given my genuine, sincere, deep felt love, support, time, effort, concern, money, comfort, amongst other bits of myself to, (almost always putting those individuals before myself) have been undeserving of it, my ability to still have done it makes me proud of myself, thankful that I was raised right, grateful that I am able to still be selfless after the hardships I have been through and continue to go through, hopeful that I will make a wonderful lifetime partner and parent one day and that all those people I have loved intensely in the past and in the future will benefit from knowing unconditional love.


The truth is people tend to be selfish creatures, who will do whatever it takes for their own self gratification and in so doing ignore the harm or hurt, whatever magnitude they cause on the way.  To the extent that it has become so easy not to put in the work to show love or just concern for others, which can be as simple as a text message, call, email, invitation to share a meal etc in preference of doing something related to onself: me, I.


In spite of this so many of us will choose to keep the company of superficial, shallow, selfish people for all the wrong reasons, money, appearances, fame, fortune, all the stuff that ultimately won't matter in the end.  How many times have those same people let you down? Blatantly used you?  Or put more casually, thrown you under the bus.  It's not just in movies where the bad guy turns on his crew in order to gain more.  Open your eyes and watch it happening everyday, all around you.  And yet even with eyes wide open like saucers, knowing full well who is a true friend from their actions, so many of us still turn our backs on the real good guys in our lives for the bad.  It's a shame!


I for one have every intention of choosing my relationships with other humans much more wisely and I would recommend you do the same, because life really is too short to waste on non reciprocal relationships.  LESSONS LEARNED.


"Life isn't about who's coming to the party but who will be there to help you pick up the pieces when all the guests are gone" - K. Steffans


Who are the guests at the party that is your life and who are the people helping you pick up the pieces and most importantly who do you place more value on and what does that say about you?


Love and light.


Thank you for stopping by,






AfricasHeiress.

Deserted Island.

It's like a nightmare!  I've been here before many times and probably will be many more, "...hopefully not..." whispers my optimistic side, in a comforting, yet barely audible voice, she's tired.  It's one of those days.  The really difficult ones, where no one calls, texts or emails.  It's as if time has stopped on this deserted island and whilst my mother and I sit in the dark, life carries on as usual for everyone else.  

My mother's in excruciating pain.  The pain medication just doesn't work like it used to anymore, so my ears are filled with her desperate moans, groans, cries and pleas to help her.  Relieve her from this torture called Cancer.  Stop it!  Hell, even PAUSE it just for a little while.  Do something, anything. What?  What can I do?  I have been confronted with that very question countless times and yet every time it reappears in the exact same fashion, I am as bewildered as if it were the very first time.

I've got to keep it together: pack a bag, make sure everything's in it, ALL her medication (that alone may need it's own bag), turn everything off in the apartment, pack the cellphones and chargers, money and identification, health insurance card, CANNOT forget that...all the while talking softly to her, comforting her, "...everything will be okay mom, I'm here.  We're going to the hospital, they can help us there..."  Only because I have repeated those words like a mantra am I able to say them so calmly. because my mind and my heart are racing as if in opposite directions of the highway, at full speed and headed to collide.  

Arms full, as if bearing gifts, I KNOW what that sound means and drop it all, making a dash at full speed for the bucket.  Just in time, poor mom's body is erupting like a volcano now, the term, puking one's guts does her no justice.  One hand on the bucket, one rubbing her back, still she is begging me for relief and in my native language, it just sounds worse, piercing my heart deeper than any spear, deeper than anything.  On and on it goes.  How can her tiny body release so much?  Eventually it stops.  Again, I dash off to scoop up everything I had dropped.  Like a triathlon I throw it all in the car, start it, rush back and help mom up and into the car.  I should have my eyes on the road, but for the most part they are fixated on the image in the rear view mirror of her lying on the back seat, "...is she breathing?"  I only feel slight relief when I see her chest move up and down ever so slightly.  My heart stops at the thought, what would I do if she wasn't?  Focus now, focus.

To the hospital...but THAT is a whole other blog on it's own.

This experience really happened to me today and has happened to me many times before this.
There are those who have been there for my mother and I, but they are few and far between.  It seems in those desperate moments when things go astray one is suddenly involuntarily exiled to a deserted island.  As if ignoring the problem makes it go away.  

It is difficult to be the caregiver to my mom with Cancer, but I would not trade it for the world.  I am humbled by the experience and continue to learn from it and her each time.  Often, I don't think I can do it anymore, but I do and as long as it is necessary, I will.  That doesn't change the fact that it is extremely difficult and lonely, I long to be out there in the world living my life, hanging out and having fun.  Priorities: LESSONS LEARNED.  I hope none of my peers have to go through this in their lives, but if any of you ever do, having been there I will gladly help you.  It is so much easier with support, I unfortunately just haven't had much.

"...maybe that will change..." the optimist whispers again.

I'm exhausted.

I dedicate this blog to my mother whom I love everyday of my life and for all of hers. 


"Friends are as companions on a journey, who ought to aid each other to persevere in the road to a happier life".
Pythagoras


Thanks for stopping by,






AfricasHeiress.

Birthdays.

I have a birthday coming up.  Like most people I had set goals that I would have liked to achieve by now, but not all of those goals came to pass.  Truth be told, I still have quite a long way to go.  There is an added pressure that comes with being the first born, that only first borns can understand, but I digress...the point is as each birthday sneaks up on me the pressure increases to achieve those goals I had set, as if with each year time is running out.  Birthdays used to be all fun and games, parties and gifts, later some alcoholic debauchery but now it's as if each birthday is chasing me with a knife like some awful horror movie....aaargh!

I suppose time is of essence, the days of my heart's desire being a Barbie, My Little Pony or BMX are long gone.  Now I catch myself drooling over beautiful, multiple bed roomed, double storey houses and Range Rover Sports, Mercedes Benz with AMG kits, Q7s and Porsche Cayennes.  Oh how one's wants change.  Can YOU feel the pressure just reading my wish list???

So, reality check...is it reasonable to continue to put the kind of pressure on myself that has my heart racing more often than not to succeed or should I just settle for what I can get and at least be able to breathe normally?

I don't know about you, but the easy way out has absolutely NOT been the story of my life thus far and birthday or not will not be this year.


Calvin Coolidge wrote, "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated failures.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent".


LESSONS LEARNED.


Thanks for stopping by,




AfricasHeiress.

What Is Love?

NO!  This is NOT yet another soppy, "chick" orientated blog, whingeing, whining, nagging or complaining about the male species, so DON'T shut of your technological device just yet, read on...it'll be worth it. 

There seems to be an epidemic affecting us 80's babies, it seems over the past couple of years damn near all of us simultaneously got bitten by the marriage and baby bug.  I have to really wrack my brain to think of a friend or family member within that age group, both male and female who isn't either engaged, married, an expectant and/or existing parent.  Even then amongst the few I can think of at least half are considering proposing and/or settling down and starting a family.  

I have to admit, the idea of being in a mutually committed relationship, with one person who you can absolutely trust to keep you safe from sexually transmitted diseases by NOT cheating and furthermore to keep you safe from unnecessary heartbreak by constantly considering the consequences of their actions, sounds like bliss.  However, even as simplified as I've stated it, that bliss seems unattainable.  Which brings us back to our peers afflicted by this marriage/baby epidemic, how many of them are happily married?  How many of them are raising children they conceived as a couple, happily together under the same roof as a family unit?  I have no doubt that some do fall into those categories, but not nearly enough.

We've all seen significant others out there, with others who are definitely not significant.  In Zimbabwe cheating is so common that a term, used so widely even children know it has been created to define a mistress, "smallhouse".  And then there are the terms, "baby mama" and "baby daddy".  What happened to make it desirable to be the side dish to the entree or to scatter one's sperm in multiple vaginas without consideration that one's seed or in most cases seeds will grow up in yet another broken home with more step mothers and step fathers and more step siblings and half siblings to even confuse a genius.

Are we sure that we are really ready for the marriage/baby epidemic or do we need to reevaluate the situation.  

What Is Love?

Noone is perfect!  But, we need to take personal responsibility for our actions.  A child is a gift and we cannot continue to procreate so carelessly.  The reality is relationships require work!   You wouldn't apply for a fulltime job unless you were absolutely sure you were able to meet the requirements and if you accepted the job, you would have to work hard inorder to not only retain your position, but to excel.  So why commit yourself to a marriage if you aren't willing to put in the work necessary to make it work?

Too many of us believe that if we date multiple partners eventually we will find the perfect one.  LESSONS LEARNED.  There IS NO PERFECT ONE!  Each individual comes with their pros and cons, the trick is either to be single and have relations with various people, mutually commitment free or to mutually commit to a relationship and work at it and through it together.

Most of us wouldn't just get up one day and quit a job we had held for an extended period of time, albeit it's ups and downs (with in reason).  If not a job, why quit on the person you love?

Thanks for stopping by,

AfricasHeiress.

Coming to America.

Remember back in Africa, I'll be specific and say, Zimbabwe..but I'm fairly certain that you can *insert your native country here* when as a teen you would watch music videos off DSTV or other satellite television, all of them American, ranging from Craig Mac to Mariah Carey and fantasize about your journey to "the land of the free"???  Taking that fantasy to as close to a reality as you could by not only memorizing the exact words, verbatim and choreography so that your African ass might as well BE  the artist you were imitating, but by integrating the accent, walk, talk and attire, remember Karl Kani???...into your lifestyle.  Maaaan!!!  How, oh how we wanted to be in America.


Ok, years later - post teens, MANY of us are here in America, myself included and have been for year, after year, after loooooooong year.  Question: "Was it worth it?"


Depending on our individual circumstances, we ended up in America for various, unique reasons.  Hardly any of them even remotely related to those teenage dreams we linked to the music videos we used to watch.  If anything, having arrived here, and felt the hostility America can have towards immigrants many off us may wish we had never even watched those music videos way back when and stuck to our local television, boring as it may have been.  LESSONS LEARNED....*sigh*.  It is an awful thing to feel as if you have to beg for the basics you would otherwise have the privilege to select from, at your leisure in your country of origin.


When did one's birth place begin to have such a HUGE impact on one's life?  You may think I am insane to type that, but ask yourself...how much of a difference it would have made in YOUR life if you were, I'll use myself here now...American born versus Zimbabwean born???  Food for thought!  Blue passport versus Green one...a WORLD of difference!


Please, don't get me wrong.  Until the day I breathe my very last breath, I will be PROUD to be AFRICAN, SOUTHERN AFRICAN, ZIMBABWEAN!  But I have experienced first hand the consequences my nationality has had on my ability to excel in America.  That dreaded "paperwork" restricts access to damn near EVERYTHING!  Education, employment, health care, purchases, rental, travel...and on and on.  As Africans we are patient, resilient people, so we find our ways around it...BUT...is it really worth what we endure, even in the midst of that patience and resilience???


I have a Bachelor of Social Science degree in Labour, Organisational Psychology and Human Resource Management.  A TRIPLE major, completed in only THREE years.  If I was American, I'd be a genius, but I am African, in limbo here, so with that degree, I have had to babysit.  ME, private school educated, wiping a shitty baby's ass, not my own baby, a job my uneducated maid in Zimbabwe would have done.  So many others, driven to desperation, much more highly educated than I have had to do the same and worse.


Dedan Kimathi said, "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees".


Coming to America.


Should we all just go home?


Thank you for stopping by,






AfricaHeiress.

Growing Pains.

My friend's father passed away yesterday and it got me thinking about how as we get older we are affected so much more, both in frequency and emotional intensity by death.  Not just in the actual dying or "passing away" to put it more sensitively of those known to us, but also in the looming possibility of their demise, in the event that it is not sudden, but long and drawn out, associated with, for example...a terminal disease...HIV/AIDS is one that has affected most, if not all Africans and then of course, there is Cancer which seems to be as rampant as the common cold in recent years, amongst many others.


As young adults, we have ALL lost someone by now.  Some of us having lost both parents before our thirtieth birthdays, some earlier, some our own children, siblings, extended family and friends.  In March 2008 I lost my father and my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon and Carcinoid Cancer, so death and I have dueled, once He won and now I constantly feel his threatening presence hovering over my Queen, my mother.  It's HARD!  The combination of  emotions that we are now aware of or able to feel so deeply as "grown ups", sadness, pain, fear, anger, frustration, guilt, hopelessness, helplessness and more..."insert yours here" can be crippling.


We are here now, LESSONS LEARNED and having come this far, most of us would probably not want to go back in time and start all over again, but do you remember how differently death affected you when  you were younger?  Close your eyes and remember as vividly as you can your earliest experience with death...how differently the child's mind perceives it, assuming off course that you were a child, life is different for us all.  I was about 9 years old when my favorite uncle died, suddenly in a car accident.  I remember running around with the other kids at his funeral, laughing, happy even, I don't think I quite understood at that point that he was NEVER coming back.  Fast forward to the present, decades later and I tremble at the mere thought of losing a loved one, I have woken up in the wee hours of the morning, sweating, my heart racing and scrambled to call my brother in a different country because of a DREAM, a DREAM in which he died.  What more if it were a reality?


GROWING PAINS.


I dedicate this blog to all of you whose loved ones are terminally ill, have lost loved ones and who will lose loved ones and to the loved ones who leave us behind, let our love for each other be eternal, surpassing space and time.


Thank you for stopping by,


AfricasHeiress.